Oh Hi. yeah. We’re still here.

So, I’m perusing through my WordPress accounts and I realized..whoa.  I totally forgot about this blog! How sad is that!?  Once my Maternity leave was over and I was back “at it”, I totally forgot about all the joy that I had already put into this blog.

A few things to note to catch up now that Timothy is 3 1/2:

1. Timothy’s Nursery looks more like a demilitarized zone filled with Thomas the Train, Books and kitchen utensils he has secretly stolen from the jar on the counter.
2. The Crib has been replaced with a big boy bed with totally mismatched sheets, pillows and stuffed animals per laundry availability.
3. Anything within 3.5ft of the floor has since been removed or taken hostage by small hands.
4. We now keep treats in the bathroom with a bright blue Thomas the Train Potty seat on the Toilet that will challenge even the best adults bladder control in the removal process.
5. Dance parties happen nightly to everything from the Itsy Bitsy Spider to the latest jam on Pandora.
6. Silence is no longer golden, it’s fueled by curiosity and shenanigans. Thanks to a bald wizard and his magic eraser, Silence can be manageable.
7. That amazing “Baby Head” smell has been replaced with Baby Magic, Dirt and Maple Syrup.
8. I say the words “poop”, “potty”, “oh no!”, “Hooray!” and “I Don’t Think So, Mr.” more than most of the words in the English language.
9. Parent life has made me feel every emotion include a new category of emotion known as “over-protective”.
10. Netflix Streaming has saved my sanity both while shopping at times and before bed when I can watch something with a rating higher than G.
11. Reading with my child is just as much fun, if not more fun for Charlie and I, as it is for Timothy.
12. My mother was right…at least a time or two.
13. I fall in love with him a little more; every. single. day.
14. I’m highly competitive with the “other parents” in my life.  Especially when it comes to “treats for the class”
15. One isn’t enough.  We want another.

The First Year and an Emotional Revelation

Since returning to work after my maternity leave, I really haven’t spent any time on my blog.  I guess I can expect to take up writing on a regular basis again when it comes time for baby number two.  At this point, I’m struggling to really find my place. 

I suffered a terrible bout of Post-partum Anxiety upon returning to work and almost lost my job.  I said some things and felt some things that can’t be taken back and aren’t easily overcome.  I’m not the person who can just say, “well I was sick” and move on.  Those things bother me everyday.  It was in that time that I also became aware of those in my life that understood who I really was and helped to raise me up again. 

This past year hasn’t been all downs, there have been so many ups and watching Timothy grow is something I feel so very blessed to be a part of.  The first year goes by so fast.  It feels like it was just yesterday we were in the car on our way home from the hospital with our amazing baby boy, now he’s running around, laughing, learning and is a complete joy.

Becoming a mother, has really opened up my eyes to what’s really important in life.  It has allowed me to find stores of patience I never knew I had.  Motherhood has given me a new purpose.  The challenge is how to serve that purpose and still maintain the person you’ve always been.  It has been a struggle at times, exhausting for some of them and energizing and inspiring for others.

I feel like life is a constant state of cycles.  Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down.  It’s not about getting through life on the straight & narrow and scoring perfect scores on life’s tests.  I’m not just living for me anymore, there are big, curious blue eyes that watch everything I do with wonderment and curiosity, just waiting to learn more.  In the end, it’s about learning from our falls, picking ourselves up, dusting off and pressing on because we’re living for more than just ourselves, we’re setting the examples for our children and the generation to come.

Dear Mother..I finally understand

No matter how many times my mother told me that “someday I would understand”, I never believed her.  Not once.  She was always overreacting, overprotective and overly concerned about any and everything I did.  She kept me on a short leash, but yet I was allowed independence.  Oh yes, do what you will, til dark, then it’s in the house for the night.  Yup. That was curfew; Dark.  When you grow up in North Dakota, in the winter, dark is 4pm. Oh Joy.  Dinner was always on the table and the house always seemed to be picked up, even though I hadn’t lifted a finger.  My clothes were washed and folded in my room and other than the occasional “turn the music down”, she let me be myself.  Whether it was talking on the phone, listening to the radio, reading a book or playing Nintendo, I had some pretty great teenage years.  I was very active in High School.  Art, Soccer, Theatre, Choir, you name it, I did it.  She always seemed to be there when I needed it.  Sometimes, she’d be there when it wasn’t “cool” for moms to be there.  I know I snapped a few hurtful words in her direction multiple times throughout my teen years and even into my early adulthood.  I was so concerned with being independent, that I never realised the amazing role she played in my life.

When Charlie and I welcomed Timothy Michael into this world, everything changed.  I’m not talking about late nights and no sleep, I’m talking about quiet moments and memories that come flashing back.  I remember the townhouse we lived in when I was young.  My room was at the top of the stairs and I used to sit up and there and play for hours, but it was the old brown couch downstairs with the crocheted throws on it that I remember.  That is where my mother and I would sit and watch movies or read books together.  I would sit with my plushie dog and woobie and look through photo albums and ask who people were and no matter how many times I had asked, she always answered with a smile.

I remember crawling into bed with her when I couldn’t sleep or had a bad dream, she’d rock back and forth til I was sound asleep.   I remember the smell of her sheets.  Only she can make my sheets smell that good.  We would sing along to the radio in the car and just laugh.  Go for bike rides in the summer joking that she had a bike that looked like the wicked witch’s bike from the Wizard of Oz.  The saving of the “plushie” dog numerous times involving everything from sewing him up to glueing his nose back on.  Even when I was older, I remembered the way her hugs fit just right and no matter how “fallen apart” my life would be at the moment, that was all I needed.  My mother and her hugs.  Of course, I was so stubborn and set on being my independent self, I never really admitted that to her.  I now know, that she needed to hear that.  She needed to hear it everyday.

Grandma and Timothy (2 mos)

Timothy is 2 months old now.  He is absolutely the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  I look into his blue eyes and my heart almost stops.  There are times that Charlie and I will almost argue over who gets to put him to sleep for the night.  If you’ve ever had your heart broken, it honestly hurts.  It’s chest clutching, sobbing, aching pain that can stop you in your tracks.  For me now, it’s realizing we’ll never get this experience back again. Followed by a slight bit of panic, where I want to pick that sleeping baby back up and never let him go.  Every time I have to put another set of jammies away because he’s outgrown them, or I watch him learn new things and become more independent, my heart is overjoyed and breaking all at the same time.

Two months, honestly, feels like a week. I can’t imagine how fast each year will pass. I just know that no matter where he goes, or what he becomes, he has a huge piece of my heart that will break and heal itself over and over again as the years go by. I suppose that heartbreak is what reminds us to cherish every moment.  I can’t go back to all the times I didn’t tell my mother how much I love her, appreciate her and how she also has a huge piece of my heart, but I can tell her today.  And yes, she was right that someday I would understand.  That someday is now.